How Not To Be Your Own Worst Enemy
Overcoming self-doubt means learning how to make the most of the inner critic inside all of us
Naysayers have stood in the way of the best of us.
The boss. Our parents. Our spouse. An older sibling who can do no wrong. These folks criticize and sit in judgment, or give the impression they are.
But for many of us, our harshest critic dwells in our own minds. It silently tells us, in our own voice, that we are incapable, unlovable, a congenital failure. This inner critic can affect our jobs, our relationships and our health. But unlike those other naysayers, over whom we have no control, an inner critic, by definition, is held captive where we can train and rehabilitate it.
The first step is knowing what or whom we are dealing with. In each of us, the inner critic is almost always a maladapted coping mechanism that originated from a “threat, loss or wound,” says Rosalene Glickman, president, the World Academy of Personal Development, Los Angeles.
And though it has a powerful voice, it is very often a childish one: “I think of the inner critic as an inner child who is misguided but well-meaning. It’s actually trying to protect you but ends up holding you back,” says motivational speaker Valery Satterwhite, of Palos Verdes Estates, Calif., who writes and lectures about “fraidy-cat” inner critics.
This misguided child interprets challenges and change as threats and starts to criticize every time we venture beyond your comfort zone, she adds.
Wherever our inner critic comes from, it is best not to engage it in a power struggle. Doing so only increases the noise and conflict in our heads, because it creates a controlling voice and a resistant voice, Glickman says. When these voices volley, minor issues or setbacks get blown out of proportion. Consider the inner dialog of a hypothetical dieter:
“Hey Fatty! Don’t eat that cookie!”
“I’ll show you! I’m eating this cookie — and another and another!”
“Way to go, loser. You have zero self-control. You’re pathetic. You’re going to be alone forever — you and your Chips Ahoy.”
That sort of counterproductive back-and-forth is tiring and often immobilizing.
Personal effectiveness coach Al Spicer, Action for Breakthroughs, Chicago, sees the inner critic as a series of habitual thoughts. In other words, the inner critic is simply ourselves engaged in a pattern of behavior.
Those thoughts, he adds, are driven by anticipation and fear — the latter of which is a handy acronym for “false expectations appearing real.”
“It’s necessary to catch yourself in the act, interrupt the pattern and address the expectations,” he says.
Don’t dismiss the inner critic’s negative messages but ask a simple question: Is this true?
“You’re not smart enough, you’re not good enough, you are going to fail — we relate and respond to those things as though they are true, and we retreat, withdraw, procrastinate and make excuses without considering other possibilities,” Spicer says.
We should ask our inner critic, and ourselves, what other truths are possible.
Satterwhite says to gently but firmly present opposing evidence when our inner critic naysays or calls us names. “And if your inner critic says, ‘You can’t!’ then ask it, ‘What would happen if I could?’”
Glickman recommends a three-part formula for managing our inner critics: accept, understand and optimize.
Accepting does not mean condoning, but requires us to acknowledge the inner critic calmly, curiously and perhaps compassionately. Don’t try to ignore the voice or, on the flip side, shout it into submission. Understanding means recognizing the inner critic has a purpose.
Optimizing is a means of redirecting our way of thinking based on input from the inner critic.
The way to go about this is by asking questions that uncover the critic’s concerns and drive positive action. With our goals and self-respect in mind, we can ask ourselves and our inner critics:
• “What is your positive purpose?”
• “What lesson are you trying to teach me?”
• “What’s the best use of my time right now?”
• “What’s my highest priority?”
• “Is there someone I can talk to?”
• “What are some resources I could use?”
• “Which of these worries is within my control?”
Watch how the inner dialog evolves when a hypothetical employee poses those questions.
• “I’m going to put in for a promotion at work.”
• “Don’t even try. You’ll never get it.”
• “What are the concerns here that I need to address?”
• “You messed up that account last year. Your boss was furious.”
• “True, but I made amends with the client, and I brought in seven new accounts. So maybe the best thing I could do right now is add up how much money those accounts mean for the company.”
From there, as long the employee stays focused on the task at hand, the inner critic has nowhere to take the negative talk. After all, how could even the harshest inner critic raise doubts about the employee’s ability to review accomplishments that already have been achieved?
With the task completed, the employee is in a better position to clinch the promotion. And ironically, should that happen the inner critic will have played a role in the employee’s success.
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