Do As I Do
When given the right tools, kids can build themselves into happy, healthy and successful adults
It's no secret that many of the lessons people learn as children carry into adulthood. What is a bit more surprising to learn is that the earlier that we teach our children, even as young as toddlers, about money, nutrition, exercise, philanthropy and how to handle stress, the better off they'll be in the long run. According to Dr. Fran Walfish, a child and parent psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, there is a parallel between toddlerhood and adolescence. "The objective for the child during both is to individuate themselves from their parents," Walfish says.
Certainly there will be lessons we wish we'd never unknowingly passed on to our kids, but parents can instill in their children a healthy respect for the following and, perhaps, not have to worry quite as much about the adults they'll become.
Veggies and Fruits Don't Come in Packages
A love of healthy foods starts really, really early according to Shara Aaron, a registered dietitian, certified fitness instructor and co-author of "The Baby Fat Diet" (Alpha, 2008). Aaron says that moms-to-be can do their babies (and themselves) a favor by eating lots of fruit and vegetables to influence baby's palate.
This is notable also because it highlights an essential ingredient to helping children learn these valuable lessons: parent as example. Each child has his or her own personality, of course, and as babies grow, they become picky toddlers and veggies and fruits are often an enemy. "Vegetables can be a challenge for young palates so don't overstress about it," Aaron says. "Don't get in a food war."
But - and this is a big but - that doesn't mean Mom and Dad are off the hook. Healthy foods should be on a plate every night (if not almost every meal) says Aaron, even if a child has expressed his extreme distaste.
Aaron suggests encouraging veggies and fruits they typically like and giving them choices (broccoli or carrots?) "Use the no-thank-you-bite rule," Aaron says. "He has to take one bite and if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to eat anymore. Studies show it can take a dozen tries before a child will enjoy a new food."
Model Behavior
It stands to reason, then, that if parents are sedentary, children will be, too.
"Adults must be active if they want their kids to be active," Aaron says. "Kids are naturally active if they have the opportunity to be." She suggests creating fun opportunities to be active, such as using jump ropes, balls and cones, which also are inexpensive. Take walks outdoors with kids at young ages and engage their senses. Aaron also says to cater to your child's interests - perhaps karate or gymnastics would be a good fit? Team sports are great, she says, but not a necessity for getting and keeping a child active.
Exercise doesn't have to feel like a chore - to parent or child. "You can talk about how it makes the body healthy and strong from pretty early on, age 3 or 4," Aaron says. She stresses creating those fun opportunities for activity - and parents should be wholly involved. More, limit the couch time spent on video games, television and computer games.
Show Me the Money
The concept of money isn't easy for some adults to grasp, but a 5-year-old? According to financial expert Denise Winston that is not too early to start. The Bakersfield, Calif.-based former banker suggests starting with raffle tickets, rather than cash. The tickets are earned and "cashed in" to illustrate the point.
Overall, though, the methods parents use should be based on the child. "Money isn't one size fits all," Winston says. "Know a child's learning style and what motivates them."
One approach Winston recommends is starting with small denominations of change and jars. Each jar is labeled and sized according to its priority and change is divvied up into each. For example, one jar may be for charity while another is designated for long-term savings. This progresses to envelopes and dollars then to the bank. Some parents use chores as the de facto method of earning money while others try to get more creative.
Winston stresses that regardless of how one begins to teach her children about money, it's most important that lessons just get started - and early. "The earlier they start, the better to help them understand it," she says. More, Winston has seen the fallout of not educating children about how to earn and save money. "If we don't do it," she says, "we are doing them a huge disservice and crippling their financial health for life."
The Gift of Giving
Speaking of money, philanthropy doesn't just have to be financial, says Carol Weisman, president of Board Builders, St. Louis-based nonprofit organization. Weisman, who specializes in volunteerism and fundraising, parents can start with children as young as 3 years old. "You can do really simple things," she says. "Help a friend or neighbor who is sick, explain what you're doing and involve them in the process."
Weisman cautions that right off the bat it's easy to turn off children by teaching them that giving means losing. "You don't give until it hurts," she says. "You give until it feels good. A lot of people ask children to give up toys when they're not ready, and they start to resent it."
A few tips Weisman suggests: Send those old toys somewhere else after your child has received new ones, and teach them that those less fortunate deserve new toys, too. Also, she says that while volunteering can be highly popular, especially around the holidays, most nonprofits are not set up for children, so get creative. She and her children used to make sandwiches for a men's shelter.
"Make it something they must do," Weisman says of philanthropy. "[Helping others] is part of being a responsible human being. We need to teach them there's joy in giving."
Stressing Lessons
All children experience stress and anxiety, even newborns, says Dr. Fran Walfish, psychotherapist and author of "The Self Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child" (Palgrave Macmillan, 2010). She points out the example of learning to sleep through the night as one of the first big stressful things a child will experience. How parents react to these situations is the key.
In fact, Walfish says that many of the behaviors adults display are manifests of things not learned in childhood. Between 18 months and 4 years old, children need to learn a lot and master things like delayed gratification, Walfish says. "That means I'm not always first and can't always have what I want," she says. "We see a lot of adults struggling with this because parents didn't teach them how to handle this."
She advises parents to calmly react to these "stressful" episodes by avoiding defensiveness with the child, to narrate a dialogue about what the child wants and how he is feeling, and to empathize with him. However, Walfish says, this doesn't mean negotiating. If a child won't turn off the television to come eat dinner, she doesn't get five more minutes. "The reason they need to do this," Walfish says, "is what we are here to teach them is that we cannot stop life's disappointments and letdowns. All we can do is equip them with life skills to cope."
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