Autumn of love
Birds do it, bees to it, even educated older couples can, too. Here’s some straight talk about sex after 60
Society’s view of aging women as sexless is wrong. “Many of us are having the best sex of our lives. We are having hot, fabulous sex after 60,” says Joan Price, author of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty” (Seal Press, 2006).
Research on older women and sexuality was sparse, but is now kicking into high gear as baby boomers, now into their 60s, look for clues. Some 70 percent of sexually active women over 60 reported being as satisfied or more satisfied with their sexual lives than they were in their 40s, according to a 1998 survey of nearly 1,300 Americans aged 60 or older, conducted by the National Council on Aging, Washington, D.C.
“My experience certainly supports that,” says Price, who also is a dance instructor, fitness professional, speaker, and health writer. “In my 40s, I was unnerved by the realization that my sex life was being affected by undeniable signs and feelings of aging. Now I’ve grown past wanting to hold onto to youth in the bedroom, and as a result I feel truly present with my lover and capable of intense satisfaction.”
Price interviewed several older women for her book. While candid about their sex lives, they opted to leave out their last names and places of residence. “Don’t let this life pleasure get away from you, work at it,” says 62-year-old Mary Ann. “It’s worth it! Keep your partner primary in your life. Stay in touch with his sexual interests as well as your own, let him know what you like and how you like it done, and listen to him as he does the same.”
Changes after menopause make sexual enjoyment challenging, but “we’re using our creativity, our personal power, the joy and intimacy of our relationships, and useful tools of all sorts — from sex toys to a sense of humor — to tackle those challenges,” Price says.
There are tons of books on sexuality for and about boomers, but they address readers as if they just turned 50. “It’s as if 60 is the new dirty word,” Price says. Her book is not primarily self-help, although it does offer tips from experts for enhancing older age sexuality (see sidebar). It’s mainly her intensely up-front-and-personal story of hot sex with her 68-year-old lover, Robert, whom she married earlier this year, along with snippets of interviews with other sexually seasoned women about their experiences.
“Sexual response is in our brains. I’m in love with the man I’ve been looking for my whole life, whom I met when I was 57 and he was 64,” says Price, now age 61. “We’re as turned on by each other as a couple of teenagers, but with the juicy addition of decades of life experience, self-knowledge, communication skills and a sense of humor. We’re also willing to experiment and stretch our boundaries.”
Kaycee, age 66, says, “Keep an open mind. Remember that there is always something new to try and so many men out there. Sex after 60 could be the best time of your life if you play it right.”
Price adds that “we overcome the physical challenges by being inventive and resourceful. We take advantage of the lessened urgency by slowing things down, taking more time.”
You call that ‘older’?
Unfortunately, society has not become more accepting of older-age sexuality. “One day I watched some television talk shows about the sexiness of older women. They dressed sexy, pole-danced, and taught the audience how to strip. But these so-called ‘older’ women were probably in their 40s! I’d like to see women who admit and look like they’re over 60 on these talk shows, rousing other older women to assert their sexuality. We need to accept that women can and do stay sexy through the decades, and it doesn’t stop when we no longer can hide the wrinkles or saggy skin.”
Claire, age 66, says, “I think my body is great. I have all the wrinkles and brown spots, and that’s fine, that’s who I am. And the body works better than it ever has. The woman I’m with thinks I’m the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen in her life, which makes me feel great. I wish women could just learn to love their bodies like I have done, and refuse to buy the social stuff that’s out there about youth and beauty. We are all beautiful.”
The women Price interviewed were hungry to talk candidly about their sex lives, their challenges, and solutions, especially the joys that far surpassed what they had expected from this time of life. “I discovered that women 60-plus are actively seeking the kind of community of other women, the sisterhood, that connected and supported us in the 1960 and 1970s,” Price says. “Women forwarded e-mails containing my interview requests to their friends and to mailing lists and message boards. The anonymity of cyberspace allowed a whole new kind of networking.”
Phoebe, age 64, says, “Generally my life is easier, less driven, so sex is a part of it rather than a driving force. It is easier not being controlled by my hormones and sex drive. Also, I feel very self-confident about my sexuality and attractiveness, pleased that I am attractive to others, even younger men.”
One of Price’s major messages is that boomers are redefining aging and sexuality. “We’re the Love Generation; we practically invented sex,” she says. “We’re not about to shut the gates now!”
To join Joan Price's ongoing discussion on ageless sexuality, visit her blog at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/.
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