Wedlock Headlock
When there’s bad blood among bloodlines, brides and grooms can use a little foresight and compassion to prevent fights without stepping into the ring
Every spread of icing on the four-tier wedding cake is perfect. The hydrangeas are fresh enough to sprout new buds and the photographer showed up right on time. Months of careful thought and planning have choreographed every possible detail – except one. Guests’ behavior can never be controlled or scheduled. When messy divorces and ancient family feuds meet open bar, bad blood can easily start to boil.
“You really have to stay neutral no matter what side you think is right or wrong,” says Laurie Puhn, a family and divorce attorney-mediator in Manhattan and author of “Instant Persuasion: How to Choose Your Words to Change Your Life” (Tarcher/Penguin 2005). “The best thing you could do is serve as a listening board,” Puhn says.
Neutrality can mean having two people ready to talk to both sides if a brawl breaks out, but it’s most important in preventing conflicts altogether. If a groom or bride knows about an issue in advance or feuding folks are threatening not to come, Puhn suggests talking to feuding family members individually and explaining why it is important that person is present and supporting the groom or bride on his or her wedding day.
“If you focus on the value they bring, people often rise to the expectation,” Puhn says. “At the core really, if people feel valued they are a lot less angry.”
Whatever you do, don’t argue or try to manufacture an apology. Trying to get a promise not to fight can easily backfire, says William J. Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota and co-founder of the wedding advice site TheFirstDance.com.
“If you were to tell your [divorced] mom and dad separately you’re getting married and you say ‘I really hope you and dad get along and don’t fight each other over this,’ they’re hearing you say ‘You’re not a grownup, act like a grownup.’ It seems you’re lecturing them and they haven’t done anything yet,” Doherty says.
Sometimes talking an issue over beforehand can rescue feelings and avoid an altercation. But don’t talk; just listen.
“Let them say everything they need to say,” Laurie Puhn says. “That way you are trying to lift the burden … You are not trying to correct them; you are just listening and reflecting. They feel more connected to you so they are more likely to bite their tongue for your benefit at the event.”
Seating antagonists on opposite sides of the room during the rehearsal dinner and ceremony or seating someone nearby to keep an eye on things can help. You can check in with guests during the night and just ask how they are doing “because what they feel is an unrecognized anger … so as long as someone in the room knows what is going on they feel calmer,” Puhn says.
And if all else fails, follow a national trend: downsize.
“If there is really animosity from a number of people or sides, just have a smaller wedding,” Puhn says. “Say, ‘Look, we’ve decided we’re just having immediate family and a few friends. We are going to save our money for a house.’”
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