And You Were There, And You Were There ...
A place for everyone, and everyone in their place
Weddings are about people. Two people, yes, but anyone who’s ever thrown a wedding knows it’s also about officiant people, catering people, guest people, parent people, rental hall people, and the little matter of attendant people. This last group of people often pose some of the biggest headaches for a bride and groom.
Rhonda Allen is the principal wedding and party planner for her Atlanta-based companies, New Beginnings Weddings and Allen Signature Events. She has been helping couples create the wedding of their dreams since 1991. One of the biggest problems for brides is trying to whittle down the number of gal pals who will stand up in the ceremony as bridesmaids. But according to Rhonda, you don’t have to whittle if you don’t want to. “When you think about getting married, who comes to mind as being so important to you that you could not imagine getting married without that person, or people being by your side? That should be the number of people,” says Allen. “[The number] does not have to be even with the groomsmen. If it turns out to be eight people, then ask eight friends.”
If you’re having a wedding in a tiny chapel in the country, you might not actually be able to fit eight bridesmaids in the church, though, and cutting the list can be scary if you don’t find a way to get creative with your list of attendants. “If only a few of the ladies end up on the list for the wedding, there are alternative roles for the others,” says Allen. “Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that someone will not be offended by her alternative role. This is just the nature of the psyche of wedding attendants.”
And speaking of psyche, I was recently presented with a dilemma of the opposite kind. I had my heart set on a bridesmaid who couldn’t commit to the role – she’s extremely shy and the thought of being in the wedding party was nightmarish for her. Joe D’Alessandro, president and co-owner of Marry Me Maui Wedding Planners in Hawaii, says that’s there’s an easy fix. “She can be the bride’s attendant,” says D’Alessandro, “and do all the things a bridesmaid would do but she doesn't have to stand up in front of the crowd.” D’Alessandro notes that this kind of situation isn’t uncommon, and if you’re agonizing over who to ask, you might want to take a step back. “Try asking who wants to do it. You may be surprised to find out that several of your friends don't want the responsibility.”
Giving my friend an honored role won’t be too difficult – and in case there’s any question how important she is to me, I’ll be grabbing her into pretty much every picture taken. But I’ve got a couple names on my list that won’t be able to be in the pictures at all. One friend will be overseas and can’t make the trip, and some beloved relatives are too elderly to attend. Solve that one, wise wedding planners!
“Well first off, you can Webcast your wedding and invite those family members who can't attend to view it,” offers D’Alessandro. “You can ask your officiant to mention those who are not present or the bride and groom may make comments about those people themselves.”
“Involving people who are not there can be challenging but not impossible,” says Allen. “First, you have to find out what these family members/friends would like to/can do and decide what contribution is practical. Be kind and recognize their absentee contribution by thanking them on the back of your wedding-ceremony program.”
In the end, if you’ve got all kinds of people clamoring to be involved in your wedding, it’s a good sign; it means you’re loved, right? “Honored attendant,” and “esteemed absentee guest” and “special assistant to the bride,” are all titles that have a nice ring to them – and a “ring” is what all these people have come for, after all.
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