A Girl for Me, A Boy for You
'Family planning' isn't just about birth control. It's never too early to start talking to your betrothed about offspring expectations
The decision to have children or not - and the resulting decisions about work/family balance and child-rearing - are among the most important a couple can make together. But too many couples think it is "too soon" to discuss their hopes, plans and dreams about those little bundles of joy during the courtship phase of their relationship.
"It's projecting into the future, which involves a lot of unknowns," concedes Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a California psychotherapist and author of several books, including, "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage" (Adams Press, 2008).
But putting off the conversation isn't smart. If you have already booked the hall and written your vows before you discuss your thoughts about kids, any little disagreement can seem monumental. So, if your big day is around the corner and you haven't talked to your soon-to-be spouse about your expectations regarding the pitter-patter of little feet, there's no time like the present. You don't need to plan out what your babies' names will be, decide what color to paint the nursery or pick your offspring's future alma mater. But experts say the sooner you discuss the baby basics - if and when you want kids and what you'll do if things don't go according to plan - the better. And, even going into a little more detail, beyond the basics, can be helpful in understanding where your sweetie is coming from.
Quarters of Conflict
Tessina says the types of conflicts that come up in the course of talking about children often can be divided into four categories:
Timing
Age at the time a couple meets and marries plays a big role. If the biological clock has already tick-tocked, someone may feel he or she is too old or settled in his or her career to start a family. If a couple is young, still in school or starting a career, they may feel like they have all the time in the world.
Financial
Having kids is a major commitment that includes a monetary investment. You need to discuss what sacrifices you and your sweetie are willing to make (and not make) for your future offspring.
Fear
While having kids is a blessing, there are lots of scary parts of the process. Fear of not being a good parent is a frequent one, Tessina says. But fear of repeating old bad habits learned from a dysfunctional family or fear of not having enough time, love or resources to be a parent. Many of these fears can be overcome, but you should know the root of the worry.
Disruption
Those who are established in their careers or relationships may not want to rock the boat by adding children to the mix.
Of course, Mother Nature, a higher power or whoever upstairs makes the big decisions doesn't always play along with your plans. You may have decided that you'll wait a few years after getting married to have kids, and then you'll have two little ones relatively close together. But in his upcoming book "Before the Wedding" (WS Publishing Group, January 2009), author Alex Lluch suggests discussing what happens if life changes course in lieu of those plans. If you have problems conceiving, will you go through fertility treatments? Will you adopt? If you become pregnant before you intend to do so, how will you adapt?
Michelle Branco, owner of www.doudoubebe.com, a Canadian boutique for moms and babies, thinks the important conversations go beyond whether or not to have kids and when. For most people, she says, if one member of a couple wants a Brady Bunch-sized family and the other wants an only child, those varying visions will have become apparent early in the relationship. But the way in which people parent doesn't come up as often, and those are the kinds of differences that set the tone for the next 18 years.
As a result, discussing how you feel about discipline, child care and education can be valuable to getting to the root of meaningful beliefs about family. Branco says many of those specifics are "thrown out the window when baby actually makes her appearance," but the information gathered remains invaluable.
Pam Garcy, Ph.D., a Dallas psychologist, cautions that you should not expect to sit down and have one heart-to-heart over dinner and consider the discussion done. This is an ongoing topic of conversation, and one where your thoughts and your partner's thoughts may change as you age. Be sure you discuss how you will cope if one of you changes your mind.
Lluch agrees that the conversations need to be ongoing, but they do not always have to be serious. Laughing and having fun as you talk about some of the dreams you have - and some of your nightmares - will hold you in good stead for the decades to come. Even after you have kids, they'll be encouraged to see how you work together to meet common goals.
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